Do you remember…

Anonymous

May 28, 2021

Do you remember when I realized you had feelings for me?

It was that one day after class.
Something about the way you held yourself gave it away.

Do you remember I told you that was the moment I realized I was in trouble?

Because I was...intrigued by it.

Do you remember avoiding me after I admitted to having feelings for you?

Do you remember insinuating I was a bad person because I was already in a relationship?

But then I found out later...you were, too.

Do you remember hiding girlfriends, ex-girlfriends, and dates from me?

I hadn't really been a jealous person up to then.
Not until after I found out I was being lied to.

Do you remember telling me your exes went crazy on you, and you “just bring strong reactions out of people”?

Do you remember telling me you were really picky about who you dated, and that you were just difficult to date?

Do you remember telling me you just needed to find someone “compassionate and understanding, not necessarily intelligent” who could handle the challenges of dating you?

Do you remember the half-truths you would tell about your life outside of work?

Do you remember all those stories you told me about your past, the version of yourself you first presented?

Someone I fell for.
Someone I could see a future with.

Do you remember telling me you would disappear for days from girls you were talking to?

But it was just something you did.
It didn’t mean you stopped liking them.

Do you remember I asked you to give me a heads up when you needed that kind of space?

Do you remember when you would just stop talking to me without a warning or apology?

And I was just supposed to be okay with it because you warned me.

Do you remember storming off, leaving me standing on the sidewalk calling after you?

Do you remember finally telling me how you felt about me, finally telling me your secret?

And asking me to come home with you so you could finally just hold me.
Then acting like it didn’t happen.

Do you remember keeping me a secret?

Keeping our whole “relationship” a secret.
From your friends and family.
From our mutual friends.
Telling me it was because you were “a private person.”

Do you remember calling it “trying to date” on and off for three years without ever actually committing?

Do you remember all the time in between when you acted like we were just friends and coworkers?

You seemed confused that I always wanted more.
But I couldn’t read your mixed signals.
Couldn’t keep up with your ever-changing mind.
Then you would get frustrated when I pushed for more clarity.

Do you remember calling me the “best and worst” person you had ever met?

Do you remember telling me you “just didn’t see it” when I asked about us being together?

Do you remember telling me you “hadn’t really given it much thought” when I tried to talk to you about us?

Do you remember the times I begged you to just tell me you didn’t want to be with me so I could let it go and we could just be friends?

And you wouldn’t say it.

Do you remember using your health status as an excuse for why you couldn’t make up your mind about me?

Do you remember drunk texting me to tell me how much you had been thinking about me, about us, how you were crazy about me, and how you were just “dumb” when it came to me?

Do you remember when I told you what I was looking for from a partner and from life, and you snapped?

“Why would you think that person is me?
What made you think that was how I lived?”

Do you remember telling your ex-girlfriend you were “dumb” about me?

Like a kid pulling his crush’s pigtails on the playground.
And you asked her to give me tips to help me know how to date you.
And drunk after midnight, you sent me screenshots of the conversation as proof of how dumb you were and how you really felt.

Do you remember telling me you loved me?

But never directly.

Do you remember when all our friends left the bar and you would sit next to me and cry?

I just wanted to help you, but I didn't know how.

Do you remember telling me you were never going to find someone, but it was what you wanted most?

Even knowing how I felt about you.

Do you remember walking behind our friends, who were holding hands and very much in love, and saying longingly “I want that”?

And my response was complete confusion because all you had ever done was push me away, even when you said you wanted me.

Do you remember when I tried to hold your hand?

You yanked yours away and said “Knock it off!”

Do you remember telling me a story about how you brought your ex snacks to cheer her up because she was having a bad day?

I said “Holy shit! You actually do stuff like that?” in complete surprise.
And you said “You see! That’s exactly why I don’t do that stuff for you!”
I bet you didn’t know I was fighting back tears as I looked out the car window.
Trying to comprehend that it was somehow my fault.

Do you remember shutting down, avoiding, and ignoring me when I tried to have open conversations with you?

Then telling me I was combative when I wound up angry and frustrated with your lack of response and the lack of resolution.
Until I actually started to believe the issues were all my fault because I was needy and combative.

Do you remember forwarding your number so I wouldn’t be able to call you when we were having a disagreement?

Do you remember telling me the reason you treated me badly was because it’s “how I conditioned myself to respond to you”?

Do you remember saying you were only telling me you missed me because you felt like being nice?

Do you remember telling me you couldn’t just say nice things to me if you didn’t feel like it?

Do you remember only being truly kind and vulnerable when you were drunk?

Do you remember acting like you didn’t remember what you said, or did, or texted, because you had been drunk?

Do you remember rolling away from me in bed, curling in on yourself, to make sure we weren’t touching?

Do you remember pretending to be asleep to avoid talking to me or dealing with me?

Do you remember me lying in bed next to you crying as silently as I could because I’d never felt more alone?

Do you remember only texting me to hang out with you after dark?

And only to sleep together.

Do you remember leaving me to walk to my car alone and in the dark?

I was crying.

Do you remember the way I would throw myself at you?

And you would turn me away.
And I always ended up hating myself for it.

Do you remember moving away from me every time I tried to dance with you in public?

Do you remember telling me you just weren’t big on PDA so you wouldn’t have to kiss or touch me publicly?

After you had very publicly and without a care committed acts of PDA on other occasions.

Do you remember the one girl you wouldn’t tell me anything about?

The one you led me to believe I was crazy to be jealous of.
The one you were talking to all the time.
The one you texted while I was lying in bed next to you.
The one you texted from our shared hotel room.
The one who posted pictures of the two of you together.
The one with the OnlyFans IG account you follow.
The one you said was just a friend.
And then you gave me your old phone to use and I found all the old nudes and sexts from when you weren’t “just friends.”
Yes, I saw them.

Do you remember parking your car farther away from the door to the coworking building after I had asked you to move it closer?

Making me do a public walk of shame in front of our boss.

Do you remember my birthday?

Of course not. You never did.

Do you remember our first date?

Of course not. We never had one.

Do you remember how you always had to be right?

Even if you were wrong.

Do you remember snapping at me over things that weren’t my fault?

Then saying it was just because you were sleepy/grumpy/stressed/hungry/etc.

Do you remember calling me needy?

All. The. Time.

Do you remember turning me down almost every time I asked for your help?

Unless other people were watching.

Do you remember when I asked for a ride to the airport, and you said you’d “rather not”?

Because you didn’t want to deal with the drive.

Do you remember when I would ask you to hang out, and you said you didn’t like making plans?

Do you remember the way you laughed at me when I tried to do anything nice for you?

Do you remember the number of times you apologized?

I could count them on one hand.

Do you remember the number of times I apologized?

I lost count.

Do you remember all those times we were together, and you wouldn’t even look up from your phone or your computer?

Do you remember the way your eyes would glaze over when I tried to share something personal?

Do you remember being rude to every one of my friends when I tried to introduce you?

Do you remember belittling me in front of our friends and coworkers? Insinuating I was stupid, foolish, and forgettful?

Do you remember making fun of my passions, hobbies, thoughts, clothes, taste in music, my spiritual practice?

All of the things that make me...me. Until I couldn’t be me around you anymore.

Do you remember yelling at me in the back of a Lyft “You act like we need to do everything together!” after we had a disagreement over getting breakfast?

Do you remember telling me I wasn’t a good communicator? That I lacked tact? That I had a bad memory? That I didn’t have any empathy? That I was a sociopath?

And then telling me you didn’t remember saying that, and you must have said it to me as a joke.
It wasn’t.

Do you remember telling me I needed help, but you couldn’t help me?

Insinuating I was mentally unstable.
And maybe I was a bit at this point.

Do you remember yelling “Holy shit!” at me over something I had said?

Making it out that I was being overly dramatic, so I stopped talking.

Do you remember telling me you wanted brownies for dessert at a dinner we all had to celebrate your new job?

And you showed up late.
And you didn’t touch the brownies.
And I later found out you and your friends ate them during game night after you had stopped talking to me.

Do you remember Halloween?

We had tentative plans to go out and my friends were expecting me.
When I told you, you snapped at me and said “Why would you tell them that?
That wasn’t the plan!”

Do you remember telling me you wanted me? Wanted to be with me? That it was always me you wanted, and you wanted to be together. For real this time.

And we were.
For 24 hours.
And then you ghosted me for three months.

Do you remember the weeks I spent crying when I realized you weren’t going to call or text me back?

Well, no. Of course you wouldn’t.

And then you did.

And do you remember when we met up so you could apologize, at your request, but you didn’t want to talk about what had happened?

But I made you.
You said you ghosted me to avoid arguing with me.
That every text I sent you pissed you off even more.
That you didn’t remember anything from that entire 24-hour period because you were too drunk.
And when I tried to hold you accountable, you raised your voice at me.
In public.
Turned it all back around on me and said I was making it “Shit on (insert name) day” and didn’t I understand how difficult it was for you to even have the conversation in the first place?

Do you remember a few months and a few drunk texts later you reached out to tell me you wanted things to be different between us?

And I said I did, too.

Then do you remember calling to apologize and take responsibility for all of it? Owning up to all of it? Listing off the things you knew had been wrong and needed to change?

Then nearly begging for me to give you another chance.
To prove to me things could be different.
Promising me they would be.
Telling me what you would do better this time.
Promising to communicate.
To meet my relationship needs.
To do whatever it took to rebuild my trust in you, to make it work, to not hurt me again.
Promising to finally take me on a real first date.
And I said yes, because it was all I had ever wanted to hear you say to me.

Do you remember what happened then? After that first week?

Do you remember I asked to push back our first date so I could make a work deadline?

And when I later said “Would love to set a day for our date.”
You said “Nope nope nope … because I can.”
And then we never went on a date.

Do you remember how you said you knew my love languages were quality time and physical touch, and you promised to meet them, and then I only saw you once those three months?

And when I practically begged to see you, you said you were just too busy with other projects.

Do you remember when I told you I was all in?

And you started to put even more distance between us.

Do you remember telling me you were still going to be a dick?

Do you remember telling me you couldn't promise me you would never ghost me again?

Do you remember telling me I was someone you wanted in your life no matter what, even if it was just as friends?

And at the end you disappeared without a word. Again.

Do you remember talking in circles, without an apology or a commitment to doing anything differently, until I got frustrated and gave up?

Do you remember getting mad at me because of my frustration and lack of patience?

When I insisted we establish boundaries and talk openly about what we both wanted out of the relationship.

Do you remember getting mad at me for getting mad at you when your actions didn’t line up with your words?

Upset that I wasn't acknowledging how hard you were trying.

Do you remember when I asked what you wanted to do for your birthday?

And you said go out to eat sushi alone, knowing I was allergic and it was the one thing I absolutely could not do with you.

Do you remember the one time we did hang out?

You came over late, hungover, and pissy.
You spent the entire time on the edge of the couch.
You barely talked to me; barely touched me; barely looked at me.

Do you remember when I gave you your birthday gift?

A burned CD I had spent hours hunting down the supplies for, picking out songs that reminded me of you, putting them in the perfect order, and then painting.
And you laughed at it.
Never said another word about it.

Do you remember when you left?

I watched you walk away.
You looked...defeated.
And I knew that was it.
I knew I wouldn’t see you again.

Do you remember how communicating with you went something like this:

Me: “But you said …” or “This is what I need … “ or “I can’t be in a relationship with you if…”

You: “I understand that, but (insert excuse for why you wouldn’t or couldn’t or didn’t do X).”

Until I realized it didn’t matter.
You weren’t saying anything anymore.
And I had nothing left to say.

Because I remembered...I had been in love before. Had had a partner before. And maybe it hadn’t been perfect. But it felt nothing like this. And despite the things I’d done, I didn’t deserve this.

And the person I fell for; it wasn’t you.
Not really.
And what I wanted from a relationship.
It wasn’t what you wanted.
Despite what you said to me.

And I remembered...I had spent a lifetime trying to prove myself worthy of love, kindness, respect, and reciprocity. A lifetime molding myself to other people’s expectations and needs and judgments. A lifetime feeling like I had to fight to be seen, heard, valued, and loved.

And then walking around bitter and angry and lonely and empty from the resulting consequences.

And I remembered...none of that is your fault. All of that started way before you.

And I’m sorry for the part I played.
For the ways I made it worse.
For not walking away sooner.
And I’m sorry for the pain I know you’re in.
But I couldn’t be with you.
Couldn’t listen to your words anymore, even if some part of you meant them.
I couldn’t do it anymore.
Not if I want to heal myself.
Not if I want a new kind of relationship; a new kind of life for myself.

Because finally what I remembered is what all of this made me forget—myself. Who I am and what I want. The life I want to live.

Even if that meant I needed to start from the beginning.
From what I know I don’t want, and who I know I’m not.

But I couldn’t remember all those things I had forgotten. Not without you.

~~~~

...Do you remember?

Because I’ll never forget.