Christmas Day, 2022:

i think this was all necessary in a way

we were always going to decay and become weaker, before it was clear we needed to become stronger

and it was always going to be generational

women looking to men for structure and guidance

men failing in that role, leveraging their prosperity and preexisting infrastructure for temporary pleasure

failing in discipline, taking a path of greater pain to whatever wisdom they might come to in the end

it’s not quite that we’re living in the harsh wilderness, fighting to build some sort of functioning society in the first place

we’ve been given so much

it’s more that we’re starting to realize what it takes to keep this thing moving forward

what built it in the first place, and how little we understand of that

the wisdom can come on a day-to-day basis, in various forms

A dream, a vision.

A golden totem, reflecting the sun.

A way forward, a path in the dark.

Parental guidance, embodiment of the spirit.

A conversation, a word.

* * *

refinement

* * *

I find myself wondering how much the word itself really matters.

Does it emerge out of the depths of the unconscious, the initial seed of self-fertilization prime for cultivation on the yearly ouroboric cycle of death and rebirth?

Is it a tool to keep our stupid monkey brains aligned against the unending pull of temptation, resentment, and nihilism ever-pervasive in our world?

The generality of the word and length of time to which it applies make it feel trivially applicable to basically any situation if cleverly framed.

Maybe the act of framing is what really matters.

And perhaps our modern mentality finds comfort in elevating the concrete while reducing the more abstract layers to mere chemical reactions, in a vain avoidance of the burden imposed by engaging with the transcendent.

What responsibility do we have to one another, to ourselves, if our foundation rests on such childish oversimplifications?

How much potential is sacrificed when we refuse to contend with these ever-present realities?

we’re gaining momentum

the gas is on, the fire is lit

Previously we discussed how the STAGNATION CONJECTURE could be overcome by shining a light on the AVOIDANCE HABIT and applying our ROUTINE UPKEEP strategy to dismantle the undesirable habit and create a feedback loop by being POSITIVELY AWARE.

But that was all a bunch of nonsense, which is why you don’t remember any of it.

in case the point hasn't been made abundantly clear yet:

time is not a flat circle

We really pushed that relationship to its limit.

There was always some sort of progress being made, even if just for the sake of internalizing the impossibility of realizing the potential I saw.

I refined my ability to engage in conflict and properly discern the role my faults played.

I took the necessary steps of processing through the reality of the end, taking my positive growth and integrating it into my next stage in life.

I’m extremely grateful to everyone who supported me through the transition.

then it finally hit me: i’m not gandalf, i’m frodo

of course i am, i mean i am the one true main character

It’s nice to think that you’ll just become better over time if you’re a “good person”, but it’s not until the pressure is on that you’re forced to burn off the dead wood and see the initial glints of what might one day become a diamond.

You might think your true character is revealed in such situations. I sure did.

But be honest with yourself: the processes you’re undergoing to evolve over time are surely more fundamental.

my first crush was ashley trujillo, back in elementary school

i’d bike by her house all of the time, but never really talked to her

there was one interaction, around 2nd grade

we were standing in line to go back inside after recess

there was a brief exchange between me and her/her friend

then ashley looked at me, shocked, and said “eww, why are your teeth so yellow?”

absolutely crushing

fortunately i was always too much of a pussy for a real school shooter arc

The darkest times I had in 2022 bore the fruit of an integrated faith in what I knew I needed to do, no matter how bad I felt at a given moment.

At the start of 2023, we were desperately trying to figure out if we were going to make it.

Even when she’d lose hope, I managed to ground our reality just enough to keep it going.

Eventually I’d put enough work into myself to feel I could reasonably take a step back and assess the reality of the situation.

After what I saw, I lost hope too.

what am i taking away from this?

the feeling of potential, of drive and desire

of moving forward intentionally, mindfully, honestly

the understanding that things just happen

maybe this other guy won’t work out, but that doesn’t necessarily mean she’s making the wrong choice

and, while i’m fully capable of both situationally misaligned vulnerability and shutting down entirely, i want to integrate this experience into a more consistent awareness of the higher level vision i’m aiming toward

because avoiding pain is for gay babies

The transition into being single was rough in the way that stark overhauls in reality usually are.

But the climb up was swift, each month a new shift in both my internal state and the environment around me that I was developing.

We’ve all heard how proud I am of the apartment I put together over the latter half of the year.

But man, I really do love this place.

I just never thought it mattered that much to me.

Treating my living space as an extension of myself really did accelerate the corresponding restructuring of my internal reality.

the movie doesn’t just ‘happen’, and i clearly play a significant role in influencing its direction

at the same time, reality is constrained, and i can’t carry this entire production on my back

I was pretty gung ho about speedrunning the breakup, including the emotional processing.

But for that one you can't completely avoid the necessity of time just passing.

The Ceremonial Burning happened later than I'd wanted, and right when I needed it.

A pile of memories, reflected on with people I love.

A final, unsent letter.

I was prepared to fully let go and move on.

The eyes of the Lord are in every place;

They keep watch over both the evil and the good.

The healing of the tongue is a tree of life,

And the one who guards it will be filled with the Spirit.

I remember talking with Josiah about dating.

I was conflicted: were the women I’d gone on dates with simply uncompelling, or did I not want a serious relationship at all?

I am no longer conflicted.

after the uphill ended i knew i was going to make it back with a new personal best under my belt

but, like many times in the run, i reminded myself to not celebrate a victory i hadn’t yet earned

I started off 2023 engaged and ended it in love.