I remember freezing my ass of last year at the Upham Way house, participating in a new yearly tradition the boys came up with in my absence, and feeling home in a way I never felt in New Jersey. All of us doing our best to live the lives we hoped for, working together to support that. This year would be a tricky one though. The group had big changes on the horizon, not least of which was moving out of the very house that held the core of our group together in close proximity.
In hindsight, perhaps I was always overly concerned. Coming from our time out east where it felt like I had bled to pull something together, that dissolved too fast to properly mourn. I was bringing in my fear of losing more ground. Thankfully our group remains strong. Changed, perhaps a bit more distant, but gearing up for the long haul that is adult, married, family life, that will be our new normal for the future to come.
This is a Big Ole W for your boy. See my word this year is Roots, and one of the many meanings that world held for me in 2023 was the desire to pull strength and nourishment from the environment around me. Living away from home allowed me to shirk off the unseen bondage the comes with history in a setting. It allowed me to push outward in all directions at once without inhibiting judgment or routine. But this rapid outward expression left me drained and I found the whole thing lacking in security, reciprocation, and longevity. Being home, I desperately wanted to regroup and reestablish.
Along with that I wanted to start to establish what our lives would look like as we became parents. With our lives being in Denver for the foreseeable future and the relationships having a similarly long reaching timeline. This would be the first full year of investing in our indefinite longterm future. This meant that any investments we made in our surroundings and our relationships could have compounding affects on our future. Not only do trees pull nutrients from the ground and carbon from the air, they also help keep the topsoil from blowing away and produce oxygen. They give back to the ecosystem the take from.
When we chose plants for our garden this past summer, one of the big determining factors of what we could chose from was dependent on Colorado’s planting zone. The amount of sun, the lowest temperatures in the winter, the characteristics of the soil. These attributes narrow down what plants can thrive in a given climate. Even the same plant in different zones will exhibit different blooming behaviors and maximum full growth size.
Every time we came home for visits I would leave feeling more centered. I would have a renewed sense of who I was, where I came from, and what we were able to do in such a short time with a handful of committed passionate people. I wanted to live in that feeling. And while the short visits were no doubt, rose tinted I feel like I have what I desired. I don’t need the excitement of stranger unmet, subculture uninvestigated, that propelled me in NYC, the fleeting feelings of missing out, then being a part of something, only for a new horizon to appear. I feel more the enjoyment of looking inward and looking deeper in what is around me that satisfies my curiosity. I have more attention and energy to direct to the things I have always known and loved and to dig further into those proclivities.
Not only did the depth come from the extra time and energy that was now freed up by a lower background noise environment, but it also came from the relationships that I was returning to. Enough time had gone by that any relationship that was formed from routine or convenience would have perished and now the only relationships that remained were the ones that I rekindled and wanted back in my quickly filling life. These relationships often spanning more than 5 years with many moments that reassured both parties investment and desire to continue friendship for the indefinite future.
My ex girlfriend went to pretty progressive school and when she got there, she expected to finally feel understood and accepted in a way she never felt in high school. Unfortunately, the primary feeling the new environment imparted was a loss of individuality. Everyone she met was like her. Which was perhaps what she thought she wanted, but the ways her peers reflected her own shortcomings was hard to bear. In a big city you can find people who are like you. Who have your niche interests, and who are likely better than you in whatever talents you have long been proud of. Perhaps worse than being up staged by them, they also may exhibit some of the character flaws that accompany your interests that are shared in a given hobby group.
I left NYC a bit disgusted with all of the things that I liked. There was no better place to be to explore those interests with motivating and compelling peers, but only at the cost of being surround be people that are enough like you to be unlikeable and revealing. One of the things I found my self clinging to that was specially individual to myself was my background. The place where I came from, the values that were imparted to me, and the attitude of my peers that cemented that. I found that the hobbies I enjoyed needed the environment they were established in to be maximally enjoyable, to be what made me love them in the first place. Frequently in a more casual enjoyment than was possible in a group setting where the primary bonding element is the hobby itself.
The best example I have of this is making music. Being in a band was probably my favorite part of leaving away from home. The musicians were great, there were ton’s of spots to play, and there was a larger audience for the kind of DIY music we were making. All of the benefits remain, and I do miss those things for what they were. But, the whole enterprise was the much more serious because of those things. My band mates were more involved in the communities that supported that hobby and the level of stress and self doubt scaled proportionally. Being back home, I make music with the same dudes I started doing it with. We meet up as our schedules allow (infrequently) and when we do it is just a no bullshit straight to business expression of what we want to do without much thought otherwise. We write the songs record them and release them without much pageantry or audience reaction. It is more for us than anyone else and we happily embrace that.
When I was living away from home, I believed that it was perhaps a more true expression of myself without the constraints of life that I had grown up with. And while I think at the time that was true, and I got to explore parts of my interests and capabilities I don’t think I ever could have without leaving, I think it is truer now that I have returned to where I came from and can see it from a more grateful perspective and appreciate it for what is it, and what it isn’t.
I have started to want to buy a cool cheap house in a crappy small town somewhere in the midwest or south. House prices are just so bad these days and you can get so much more in these undesirable places than you can in Colorado. House prices here are simply unreasonable.
The Unfortunate fact is this rapidly increasing cost of living state is our home, and both of our families live here, not to mention the good friends we still have living here. Luckily we found a house that both of us love at a manageable price, and truth be told whatever benefits I could get from a better house far away from family in friends is entirely diminished by the benefits of having people you can count on close by. This has been especially true as we became parents.
Elleanor’s birth has been a lifetime in the making. Both Shelley and I were always family focused and saw being parents as a core part of our future. Shelley wanted some time after we were married to be independent before having to take care of a new born, so in that time we made the most of it. Nonetheless I was always focus on our end goal of settling down and starting a family, and when the time was right and she felt ready we made the serious life changes to position us for starting a family. Just months after moving home, and a bit earlier than we initially had planned, she was pregnant. The pregnancy proved difficult, the first three months leaving Shelley mostly bedridden with barely enough energy to work as a teacher and sleep the rest of the day. Along with this difficulty we had several house projects that had taken a turn for the worse with large repair bills compounding with the money we were already spending on home improvements.
While the stress was high for most of that time, Shelley was still about to prepare herself for birth and arranged for Elleanor to be delivered naturally at The Birth Center of Denver. I can remember the day quite clearly still, her waking me up in the early morning to say her water had broken. Trips back and forth from our home to the birth center, each filled with more intense groans than the last. Until, finally, we were in the birth center doing guided breathing and working through Shelley’s contractions. Faster than we were prepared for and just in time for Shelley’s mom’s arrival, Elleanor was born. It was a beautiful moment that will go down as one the best in my life. The next six weeks were a blur. I was off work and we were still catching up on sleep while waking up every three hours to feed the baby. Nonetheless, the time at home to welcome Elleanor to the family was some of the happiest of my life.
Once a baby is born you get to see how everyone in your life reacts to the new reality of your life, and none are as excited or invested as your families. You can tell they love this new person as close to the amount as you do as anyone possibly could. You know that if anything were to happen to you, they would do whatever necessary to make sure your responsibility to the baby would be fulfilled in another way even if it meant great sacrifices to do so. This peace in knowing that the things that are the most important for me to take care have a safety net if anything were to happen to me is more important than I realized before, and I am very grateful that Shelley and I get to live close to family that wants to invest time and energy into our own new one.
One of my favorite parts of being married is homemaking. Likely somewhat inherited from my interior designer grandfather, I really enjoy imagining what a space could be and manifesting that under the constraints of affordability and function. While Shelley and I had a great time doing that in our Jersey City apartment, which we dearly miss, putting the time in effort into our first home to make it our favorite place in the world has been infinitely more enjoyable for me. The act of owning something and taking pride in it’s maintenance and inherent value continues to be a great source of joy for me and Shelley. This year started with a bunch of disasters surrounding poor plumbing work done by the flippers that sold us the house, but ended with a home that I can see us living in for the foreseeable future as our family grows. I have so much joy thinking about our children growing up in this environment that we spent so much time and care putting together.
Along with these home projects, I have gotten to learn all sorts of new things regarding painting, cleaning, shopping, and general home maintenance. Working with my hands more than I could have not living in a single family home that is 100 years old. With these new projects come new tools, and more possessions, need for more storage spaces and workflows. All things that used to stress me out when I was younger, not looking to be encumbered by possessions. Now this accumulation of tools and skills is part of my development as a person. Have everything I need to accomplish tasks is an empowering and meaningful addition to my life.
Learning more about cars and even taking on the ambitious goal of driving and maintaining a vintage car has also been a deeply humbling and worthwhile hobby. I have never received much instruction about the inner workings of engines and cars, but have gotten to explore and learn in a hands on environment that have immediate consequences of have a working or not working vehicle until I figure it out (or pay someone too much to do it for me).
While away my friend group flourished without me,taking the opportunity that COVID created for people to have more free time and less opportunity for public events, and creating a rich private community for themselves. None the less there were some cracks in the group that needed to be filled, and this year wasn’t a walk in the park for some of us.
David and I got an office and our friendship during my new life working remotely has kept me sane and passionate about work even when it hasn’t been easy. Even though the distractions are increased so is the desire to accomplish something worthwhile or to have something interesting and technical to chat about. This additional energy put into work has helped me continue to grow in my career and stay positive about the day to day even when there isn’t anything inherently exciting or motivating about it.
This was also essential when David was going through his break up. While we didn’t talk about it to excess and we had set up some boundaries at the end to make sure it didn’t become an unhealthy crutch, we had plenty of time together to talk about the day to day happenings and to work through the things that could be worked through. In the end, when they finally called it quits our time in the office got David out of the house and back on the grind with time freed for interests he was neglecting and new furor for a life that he had thought was going in a direction he didn’t have much control over. Now he is in a much healthier place with more hope for the future and greater sense of agency in that future.
Along with that has been the pursuit of new horizons in Griff, the courage of Joe to try settling down, the steadiness of Daniel Brandt in new marriage, and the openness of Daniel Butler in the pursuit of new love. Each of these vectors I have gotten to see from the sidelines, frequently getting to cheer these developments and to be there to console in the hard times. I don’t know if this community is healthier than it has ever been, but I know that my relationships with each person are in a sustainable place that I continue to get enjoyment from even if both parties are mostly occupied with the struggles of their own pursuits.
- [x] Have baby
- [x] Support wife through pregnancy
- [x] Find good balance of spending time with fam (2x a month)Maybe the most successful area of life this year. The majority of my energy and time was spent here and it was well worth it.
- [x] Get settle into church
- [ ] Establish Christian community
- [x] Play in church band(?)Perhaps the weakest area this year. While my personal faith is still very solid and growing, the more outward faith aspects have been tricky. I don’t think this if for lack of effort though, which makes me happy. We tried hard to establish community and get involved, life just had other plans.
- [x] Rent office with the guys
- [x] Try out some ideas for own business
- [ ] Get senior engineer title at KomatsuThis one has been steady and I have been able to keep myself ambitious even when there are plenty of things I wish to be different. I am as happy with my work life as I have ever been. I was more ambitious about potential in this area than ever and it had plenty of mixed results, but everything was a learning experience.
- [x] Nursery
- [x] Wall paper
- [x] Wood Floors
- [x] Landscaping
- [ ] Bathroom Fan
- [ ] Wifi into office
- [x] Bathroom (maybe next year)
- [x] Downstairs headboardWe had a bunch of Home stuff we did this year that isn’t part of this original list. I am very happy with all we were able to do before the baby arrived and the little bits we have continue to accomplish as we have been able to. Our home feels like ours in a deep way and a big part of that has been leaving our mark on it.
- [ ] New car for Shelley
- [ ] Sell old car
- [x] New third car (SUV? TRUCK?)
- [ ] Continue to fix up the benz
- [ ] Valve adjustment
- [ ] Remove conversion remnantsA lot more got done here than the check marks would show. We got a third car and plenty of fixing up on it too. The Benz is running well and hasn’t failed to start in a long time. This coming year hopefully the car market will be more reasonable and buying Shelley a car won’t be a major headache like it was this first time we tried.
- [x] Get stronger than ever
- [x] Maintain strength and muscle mass and cut
- [x] Work on aestheticsHealth and fitness have taken a back seat in my life since getting married, but going the lifts have kept me reasonably strong and starting a pretty intense fasting routine at the end of this year has helped me start losing the weight I gained after we first moved back. Down 20 lbs and looking to do another 10 before regaining the muscle I have lost.
- [x] Keep lifting crew healthy and growing
- [x] Keep in touch with Dillon do music stuff
- [x] Reach out to the following friends regularly
- [x] Kota
- [x] Camp
- [x] Noah
- [x] AdamFriendship has changed since having a baby but I am really happy how things were going before she arrived and the new normal that has come after is also a good baseline. Distance friendship is tricky and we are still trying to figure out the best way to navigate those relationships, but until they are completely dead I will reach out whenever I think to.
- [x] Get bass sorted out
- [ ] Record everything
- [ ] 3 songs I know for sure
- [ ] Ask for feedback from homies
- [ ] Develop Ardour workflowMusic was surprisingly fruitful this year. I didn’t have many hopes for something substantial. And while I wasn’t able to do some of the solo project stuff I talked about in these goals, we got the band back together and managed to record new music and play a handful of show with minimal time investment. I also got to play in the church band several times which has pushed me in ways I haven’t had to grow as a musician in a while. Very glad this area of my life came together this year.
- [ ] Read books (hollebequ)
- [x] Do internet things when I have the opportunity
- [x] Write ideas I have and post them
- [x] Figure out attic stuff
- [ ] Book club (?)I didn’t finish the hollebequ book. But I realized it was kinda gay anyway so I am not sad about that. I am really happy with the stimulacra post. Those ideas were bouncing around my head for a while and by the time I got them on paper I wasn’t sure if the energy was still there, but digging into it even well past when I should have was still really rewarding. Perhaps followups will come, but I am hoping more positive things will call me to write this coming year.